Chiron And My Near Death ExperiencePosted: January 10, 2000 | |
As I was proofing this edition, I couldn’t help getting caught up in this issue of who Chiron is. With that heavy Sagittarian influence in my birth chart, I’m very drawn to that Centaur energy especially that of Chiron, the wounded healer. White Elk, my spiritual teacher, is training me to be a healer and this particular lifetime of mine has been shaped by many wounds. With Chiron in the 2nd house of my chart and in Aquarius, I am constantly challenged to heal the wound in my own body/soul integration in order to contribute to the healing of the world as a whole.
The fact that Chiron was discovered in 1977 really hit home with me. That was the year the wounds of my childhood finally brought me to the end of my rope mentally, physically and spiritually. I considered suicide but I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint my mother. As it turns out, I didn’t have to sweat the details because back surgery and synchronicity were about to take care of it for me. Somehow, the pre-surgical exam was skipped so no one at this world class hospital found out I was taking 30 aspirin a day for pain or that I had a chest cold. What was supposed to be a 1.5 hour procedure, 2.5 hours in case of complications, turned into an 8 hour ordeal for the doctors. Shortly after surgery began, I suffered respiratory failure, lost a great deal of blood and what blood was left in me wouldn’t clot.
The nurse said I awoke three days later with a smile. I had no idea what had happened and being told of my brush with death had little effect on me. It seemed distant and irrelevant. I was feeling strangely content for a change. I recovered rapidly and went home where I proceeded to embark upon a course of radical change. It was not a conscious decision on my part. I just felt highly compelled to get some answers about the meaning of existence and to make up for a lot of lost time. I started by quitting the mainstream church I had been attending for years because it suddenly felt phony and useless. I proceeded to read every book in the local library on Eastern and New Age philosophies and I became a full time scuba bum. My friends remarked at how I had suddenly changed. I was no longer so angry and was becoming quite eccentric. I shrugged and chalked it up to the mind altering effect of years of chronic pain.
The surgery didn’t help and my quest for healing of what was diagnosed as an incurable spinal disorder led me to a two week stay at a holistic clinic. A loving atmosphere combined with extensive meditation produced an even more dramatic change in me. I was given permission to let go and explore the real person within me. I experienced intense, vivid out of body experiences while meditating and was introduced to new avenues of metaphysical learning which I eagerly pursued. This prepared me for finding Inga, my soulmate. We recognized each other on sight and married soon after. My rate of healing and learning greatly accelerated as I shared a common spiritual path with my best friend and wife.
A few years later, my spiritual progress and synchronicity decided I was ready to remember my near death experience. Inga began studying a different religion and I asked her what the premise of this religion was. She stated “God is Love.” I found this to be a very foreign and disturbing concept! I had never thought of God in terms of love. To me, God was judgmental, powerful and distant. I paced the floor for the next hour obsessed with the idea. I could feel the thought sinking deeper and deeper into my mind transforming me somehow. What happened next was like finding a door to a room in my house that I hadn’t noticed before. The door opened and I stopped pacing as the world suddenly disappeared. I found myself floating in a dimly illuminated void and I felt very safe. I remembered the elation I felt as I zoomed out of that trashed up rental car I called a body back on the operating table, thrilled to be set free of the pain and anguish of my mortal existence. Before me was my entire life represented by a linear timeline best described as thick, 3D slides made of Lucite. I was hovering at the most recent end and looking out toward my birth at the other. The timeline extended way off into the distance but as I reviewed each slide, it popped up slightly, expanded and came into focus providing visual and emotional information. I noticed that the negative sections of the timeline were dark and the positive sections were bright.
As I was reviewing my life, I became aware that someone to my left was watching me do this. It was not a corporeal person but a presence, a mind, and I knew that this entity deeply cared for me like a loving parent does for a child. What was profoundly shocking to me was that this being was also looking at my timeline and even though I felt that my life was filled with shameful, guilty and fearful events, all I could sense was its unwavering love, infinite patience and complete acceptance of me. There was a total lack of condemnation and judgment even though I was brutally condemning and judging myself. I then suddenly comprehended why I must not judge myself, let alone anyone else. When I was on Earth, I did the absolute best I could at all times as did everyone else I interacted with. I realized how fear and guilt had overcome my life goals of becoming a healer and a spiritual teacher, how fear had kept me from teaming up early on with Inga, how I had accomplished very little except to suffer and that leaving Earth at that time would mean starting over from scratch. With the cloud of fear lifted, I regained my courage and enthusiasm for my life goals and returned to that mortal existence.
As the remembrance concluded, I fell to my knees and cried my heart out. The love and acceptance expressed toward me was overwhelming. I had never felt affection of this caliber before especially during those dark times in my life. Since that day, it has been my goal to achieve that same state of love and grace as demonstrated by the entity before I return “home”. It will take many years of learning, practice and love to do that but I know that is why I am here.
With hindsight, I can see how I stopped being a victim and became a volunteer the year Chiron was discovered. So in 1977, totally unaware of who Chiron was or how he was affecting me, I started synchronistically and intuitively down the lifelong path of becoming a “wounded healer”. And what a strange, magical trip it is! */:-)